Absence of Trauma and Lack of Nourishment
Often people say they didn’t have any traumas or abuse however they still hold the believe ‘I am not good enough’. Why does it happen? Many of us have a ‘normal’ childhood however pretty much everyone deals with confidence issues. The problem is that often an absence of trauma is not enough to grow as a secure adult and build confidence. We also need nourishment and positive experiences to feel good about ourselves. We need enough positive attachment experiences to build adequate sense of ourselves: safety, accessible emotional and physical contact, encouragement, caring attention, validation, sensitivity to our needs, freedom to be yourself. These ensure we are growing up in a secure attachment environment. If you believe that no matter what, you are loveable, you won’t feel less of yourself if your partner doesn’t meet your needs. He or she just might not have that capacity.
Children depend on their caregivers to provide nurturance and protection. They also support them in their development of an adequate sense of self-worth and to build confidence. If in your family there was no room for emotions, if there was lack of forgiveness, encouragement and reassurance, it’s difficult to develop that self-love on your own.
What are the signs of deficit of nourishment (insecure attachment)? Low self-esteem, narcissism, fear of rejection, guilt/shame, poor tolerance to stress, bodily tension, reactivity, hypersensitivity to criticism, fear of being alone.
Anything I can do about it?
We can not change the past but we can compensate for the lack of nourishment using our subconscious. We can change the interpretation of the events and building a secure attachment within yourself. Your child-self needs to be held, to know he or she matters. We can create that experience in therapy. You know how important self-compassion is but how can you offer that to yourself if you don’t even like yourself? No matter how much we appreciate ourselves, it’s that belief you are loveable that we need to build up.